Something's gotta change.

I am not sure what it is, but something needs to happen here. I can't take the person I have become with me into the future, but for some reason it is all I know. I don't know where I made a wrong turn, for all I remember I was on the same path I started this journey on. There is always room for change, but what happens when you desire to change and you have tried all you know to change, but each day you wake up the same person you went to sleep as? Because of this decision to follow Christ, I have made choices that have lead my life to no longer be just about me, but about another, my husband. Each day I desire and long to change to be a better person for him. I see that when I am in pain, when my heart is so broken for the change I long to see in me, it breaks him. That is true love, when the heart of your spouse breaks each time a tear falls from your cheek. That is the place I find myself in. In love, but longing for change. I realize that the change I long for can only be made because of and through Christ Jesus, my Savior, my King. I have come to the part of the show where I sit back and allow Christ to take away all He needs and place in me all He desires. I know that they way things have happened within my very heart are not the way they should be. Something has changed. Somewhere along the way my foot has slipped and along with me falling down the side of the path, my husband has grabbed my hand and began to fall too. I long to get back on the path and I know that my love cannot hold on much longer. The choice now is do I humble myself and let Him pull me back up to safety, into the arms of my Savior, or do I claw and grab at the rocky cliff I am hanging off of in my vain conceit and try to get up on my own? I know that if my decision is the latter, I will not make it. This is the place I am in. The decision is all about me becoming humble before my God and my husband and asking for help. It's that simple.

Love Forever,
Brittany Smith

Spirit of God

Come upon me and deliver me from my iniquites. I am so scared. I feel like Jonah, running away from Your calling and into the belly of a Whale. I don't want to live for myself here but I am a leader! You have made me to be a leader! But to drop everything, my leadership in worship and in the college age, to leave everyone, to abondon them. Can this be your will? How do I know? I am so confused. I want You, oh God I want all of You. I know You are powerful enough to use someone else to pick up where I have left off. I know You don't need me, but You have called me. Suddenly all my dreams have been shattered. They've hit the ground and now I have nothing to look at but these shards of what-once-was on the ground before me. I know You are calling me to look up, to look You in the face. You want me to forget about myself and focus on you completly. I am so scared to do so because I know it will cost me my very life. I am ready to give this up, but I am afriad of what will happen. Why? Why am I afraid of diety? Why am I afraid to wintess angels? To see Your glory? I don't want to be frightned. I know You can wipe out all fear within me. I am so scared of letting go because... because I love having authority. I know you are breaking down everything within me so that I may come to know You. That I may life for you 100% and not for this world. Not for those who pretend to love me. Not for those whom I love. Please don't let this pass. Do not let me choose the wrong path. I long to follow your calling. Tonight is the night. I will not sleep or eat until I know what You want. Until I know what Your will in this situation is. I am nothing without You and Your ways. Pick up my dreams. Reshape them. Mold me to fit into what You have made me for. I long for Your spirit. For you.
Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

I hate this

This giving up all I have ever loved thing is driving me insane. Why can't things just go my way for once? I know that if they do, of course, things will suck in the end more than they suck now. I guess the worst part is that you hardly care. You don't love me the way I love you. I don't love you more than a friend, but I love you more than you love me. In fact, I know I love you more than anyone will love you for a long time. But you don't care and I really shouldn't either.

I know that God is doing this to make me perfect. To show me how to love HIM in a way I could never do before. To give HIM everything I am and to love HIM like I have never allowed HIM to do before. I love you. Oh God how I love you. But I know things must be this way.

I am sorry you don't care. I am sorry I care to much. I have told God, almost screamed at HIM, that if He is taking you away from me, that He must give me something a million times better. I know He will. For He longs to give me Himself.

I am sorry for this. I am sorry for breaking my own heart. It will be worth it, in the end, I know. But for the time being, I hate this.

Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

Going, Going, Gone.

Could it be that this time has come sooner than I thought? I am a warrier in the making. God is preparing me for the battle soon to come. Just like David who, before fighting Goliath, was faced with both a bear and a lion, it is preperation for what is to come. For this battle will be painful, and this I know. At one point in time I was scared, but God has cured me of that. No longer will the pain only be emotional. I know who I am. I know that God defines me. He knew who I would be at this moment in time and He created me just for that. I will never back down. I will continue to speak out in truth. I will hold my head high. I will belive that America is a nation under GOD. I will preach from the 12th Chapter of Romans. I will praise God in prison, through beatings, and whatever pain may come. It is temporary compared to an eternity with my God. I know that a time will come when brother will turn again brother, and mother against daughter, but I am not afraid. God is preparing me for what is to come and His work in me will not be complete until I finally enter into the gates of Heaven. I am ready to draw my sword and step out into the front lines.
Today God called me to a new place and called me away from what I have knoen for the last 5 years. I love my church. I love those who comfort me and hold me high, but I don't think my place is there anymore. I will continue to sing on Wednesdays and help out with the college age, but I cannot take the complacency anymore. I am done being content. I am ready to step up, to be baptized in God's Spirit. I am ready to DIE to myself and come alive in Christ. I am ready to be all God wants to be. His warrior. His soldier. I will draw my sword and fight until death. Fight for my king, fight for His kingdom, and I will not give up. For His strength is made known in my weakness. His power comes alive when I am ready to give up. Here I am Abba. I give all of me to You, my King. The one and only true God. I give my life up to You. Forever I pledge my allegance to You.

Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

Another thought

Please Abba, hear my cries:

Oh God I lift my voice up to you, knowing you can hear me, knowing you can heal me. I love you so much, but I cannot continue to live like this. I know there is so much more to You. I know you want so much more for me and for those around me. I long to be a living testamony but how can this by when I cannot even get my thoughts away from myself? Away from how unhappy I am and how much more that I want? How can I love others the way You do and show the world the way to Your heart if I cannot even find the way myself? Just as Acts 8:23 says "For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin." Thats me Abba! But I know you can heal me. For You have more power than anyone on this earth and I believe that You alone can stop this bleeding from within. You alone can help me love me. You alone can give me the strength to eat. You alone define me.
AMEN.
Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

Help me

Help.
I once was lost... and here I am again.I once was found... but I cannot remember that time.
I hate myself so much. Why must it be this way? Why must I not want to be me? I just want to LOVE myself for one! Just for moment I want to pretty enough for you to love me for me. Can I say, God, that I have had to force myself to eat for the last week? My heart is sooo numb to you and your love. All I want is for someone to love me. All I want is to be BEAUTIFUL. I am not the one with an eating disorder. I am the one who helps heal others, and yet here I am... stuck again. I know You created me and You love me, but I don't. I am fat and that is all this world can see me as. Just this stupid emo kid who weighs to much. Nobody really loves me and I don't care how stupid or emo it sounds. I hate me and I hate life. Help me. I don't want to die here in this place but my heart just doesn't love the way it use to. Just let me die. Please. What do I have left to live for? What?

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.
On a good day, enjoy yourself; On a bad day, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days So that we won't take anything for granted.

God I take nothing for granted. I just want to be LOVED. Please love me. Please... God... please don't forget I am here. I don't care how much these people tell me they love me. I want someone to mean it. I want someone to love me for everything I am. I am sorry I cannot be pretty. I am sorry I can't be skinny. I am sorry that I can no longer force myself to eat. Must I really starve myself to be happy? I would prefer it. I would prefer to be skinny and hungry than fat and full. Not only does it make me look bad, but I feel guilty.

Its not like I feel like sliting my wrists, but I would rather be away from this emotional garbage. Where does it come from? Since when do I care whether I am over weight or not?
I am nothing. Oh God please help me out here. I need you... I need you.

Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

Hate it

I hate that becasue I have a disease I can't have a life. That I've missed so much work becasue MY DOCTOR GAVE ME THE WRONG MEDICINE. Now I am on "probation" at work. I can't request any days off or miss anytime at work for 4 months. I have 4 weddings I am to attend, one in which I am the maid of honor, and I cannot go to one. It is a miracle they let me of to go to my Uncle's funeral. I can't go camping this summer, or go on any road trips at all. Nothing. Notta.
It's odd becasue this Wednesday at college age I was telling everyone how good God is and for all the blessings I was experiencing. A few hours later, my life is being threatened and my job, well... who even knows if I'll have it tomorrow. God I know this isn't where you want me and it hurts so much. I don't want to be so far from peace, so far from you. I hate life and to me there is no point in living anymore. There is no job that will make me happy, no carrer that I will enjoy. Nothing. So what have you called me too? I am 20 years old and more unhappy than I have ever been... but I know not to complain. I know not to worry. God brings these things to me for a reason. God cares more about my character than contentment. He cares more that I grow in Him than finding peace on earth. He has commanded me to practice on earth what I will spend the rest of eternity doing. Loving, praising, and just being. There is more to life than this pain. There is more to life than the dissapointment in my heart. I know it. I know it becasue I know Jesus.
Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland