Spirit of God

Come upon me and deliver me from my iniquites. I am so scared. I feel like Jonah, running away from Your calling and into the belly of a Whale. I don't want to live for myself here but I am a leader! You have made me to be a leader! But to drop everything, my leadership in worship and in the college age, to leave everyone, to abondon them. Can this be your will? How do I know? I am so confused. I want You, oh God I want all of You. I know You are powerful enough to use someone else to pick up where I have left off. I know You don't need me, but You have called me. Suddenly all my dreams have been shattered. They've hit the ground and now I have nothing to look at but these shards of what-once-was on the ground before me. I know You are calling me to look up, to look You in the face. You want me to forget about myself and focus on you completly. I am so scared to do so because I know it will cost me my very life. I am ready to give this up, but I am afriad of what will happen. Why? Why am I afraid of diety? Why am I afraid to wintess angels? To see Your glory? I don't want to be frightned. I know You can wipe out all fear within me. I am so scared of letting go because... because I love having authority. I know you are breaking down everything within me so that I may come to know You. That I may life for you 100% and not for this world. Not for those who pretend to love me. Not for those whom I love. Please don't let this pass. Do not let me choose the wrong path. I long to follow your calling. Tonight is the night. I will not sleep or eat until I know what You want. Until I know what Your will in this situation is. I am nothing without You and Your ways. Pick up my dreams. Reshape them. Mold me to fit into what You have made me for. I long for Your spirit. For you.
Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

I hate this

This giving up all I have ever loved thing is driving me insane. Why can't things just go my way for once? I know that if they do, of course, things will suck in the end more than they suck now. I guess the worst part is that you hardly care. You don't love me the way I love you. I don't love you more than a friend, but I love you more than you love me. In fact, I know I love you more than anyone will love you for a long time. But you don't care and I really shouldn't either.

I know that God is doing this to make me perfect. To show me how to love HIM in a way I could never do before. To give HIM everything I am and to love HIM like I have never allowed HIM to do before. I love you. Oh God how I love you. But I know things must be this way.

I am sorry you don't care. I am sorry I care to much. I have told God, almost screamed at HIM, that if He is taking you away from me, that He must give me something a million times better. I know He will. For He longs to give me Himself.

I am sorry for this. I am sorry for breaking my own heart. It will be worth it, in the end, I know. But for the time being, I hate this.

Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland