Going, Going, Gone.

Could it be that this time has come sooner than I thought? I am a warrier in the making. God is preparing me for the battle soon to come. Just like David who, before fighting Goliath, was faced with both a bear and a lion, it is preperation for what is to come. For this battle will be painful, and this I know. At one point in time I was scared, but God has cured me of that. No longer will the pain only be emotional. I know who I am. I know that God defines me. He knew who I would be at this moment in time and He created me just for that. I will never back down. I will continue to speak out in truth. I will hold my head high. I will belive that America is a nation under GOD. I will preach from the 12th Chapter of Romans. I will praise God in prison, through beatings, and whatever pain may come. It is temporary compared to an eternity with my God. I know that a time will come when brother will turn again brother, and mother against daughter, but I am not afraid. God is preparing me for what is to come and His work in me will not be complete until I finally enter into the gates of Heaven. I am ready to draw my sword and step out into the front lines.
Today God called me to a new place and called me away from what I have knoen for the last 5 years. I love my church. I love those who comfort me and hold me high, but I don't think my place is there anymore. I will continue to sing on Wednesdays and help out with the college age, but I cannot take the complacency anymore. I am done being content. I am ready to step up, to be baptized in God's Spirit. I am ready to DIE to myself and come alive in Christ. I am ready to be all God wants to be. His warrior. His soldier. I will draw my sword and fight until death. Fight for my king, fight for His kingdom, and I will not give up. For His strength is made known in my weakness. His power comes alive when I am ready to give up. Here I am Abba. I give all of me to You, my King. The one and only true God. I give my life up to You. Forever I pledge my allegance to You.

Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

Another thought

Please Abba, hear my cries:

Oh God I lift my voice up to you, knowing you can hear me, knowing you can heal me. I love you so much, but I cannot continue to live like this. I know there is so much more to You. I know you want so much more for me and for those around me. I long to be a living testamony but how can this by when I cannot even get my thoughts away from myself? Away from how unhappy I am and how much more that I want? How can I love others the way You do and show the world the way to Your heart if I cannot even find the way myself? Just as Acts 8:23 says "For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin." Thats me Abba! But I know you can heal me. For You have more power than anyone on this earth and I believe that You alone can stop this bleeding from within. You alone can help me love me. You alone can give me the strength to eat. You alone define me.
AMEN.
Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland

Help me

Help.
I once was lost... and here I am again.I once was found... but I cannot remember that time.
I hate myself so much. Why must it be this way? Why must I not want to be me? I just want to LOVE myself for one! Just for moment I want to pretty enough for you to love me for me. Can I say, God, that I have had to force myself to eat for the last week? My heart is sooo numb to you and your love. All I want is for someone to love me. All I want is to be BEAUTIFUL. I am not the one with an eating disorder. I am the one who helps heal others, and yet here I am... stuck again. I know You created me and You love me, but I don't. I am fat and that is all this world can see me as. Just this stupid emo kid who weighs to much. Nobody really loves me and I don't care how stupid or emo it sounds. I hate me and I hate life. Help me. I don't want to die here in this place but my heart just doesn't love the way it use to. Just let me die. Please. What do I have left to live for? What?

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.
On a good day, enjoy yourself; On a bad day, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days So that we won't take anything for granted.

God I take nothing for granted. I just want to be LOVED. Please love me. Please... God... please don't forget I am here. I don't care how much these people tell me they love me. I want someone to mean it. I want someone to love me for everything I am. I am sorry I cannot be pretty. I am sorry I can't be skinny. I am sorry that I can no longer force myself to eat. Must I really starve myself to be happy? I would prefer it. I would prefer to be skinny and hungry than fat and full. Not only does it make me look bad, but I feel guilty.

Its not like I feel like sliting my wrists, but I would rather be away from this emotional garbage. Where does it come from? Since when do I care whether I am over weight or not?
I am nothing. Oh God please help me out here. I need you... I need you.

Love Forever,
Brittany Kirkland